Tuna Salad (For 150)

My Grandmother used to do a LOT of cooking for large crowds. She worked at a campground and also planned meals at a large church. I have her handwritten cookbook with several of those recipes. Some of them seem like they would be pretty dang good and while I do like tuna salad, I imagined what it would be like to make it for 150 people. It smells bad and has a terrible texture. At least it does in my brain. The recipe is exactly as it was written in the book, including random capitalization and all. Notes added by me will be marked with *

Tuna *unspecified amount
3 dozen eggs (hard boiled)
Pickle Relish *unspecified amount
3 med. Stalks of celery (sliced Thin)
Mayonnaise *unspecified amount
Salt & Pepper

Served 125 had about 25 servings over.

Here's your recipe for tuna salad for 150 people, you know, should you ever find yourself in a situation where you might actually NEED eighteen gallons of tuna salad. (That was a joke, folks, I'm not sure exactly how much this would make, seeing how my awesome Grandmother cooked from memory. She was one of those "a dash of this and a pinch of that" types.)

Pork Fruit Cake

I looked for a picture for this, especially since I am NOT going to make it. EVER. I came up short, so I drew a picture of a pig. Cute, huh? I thought so, too.

Let's not have the pig stare at you for nothing. Moving on.

Pork Fruit Cake

1 1/4 lb. fresh ground pork
2 boxes raisins
4 c. nuts
1 Tbsp. allspice
1 Tbsp. cloves
1 Tbsp. cinnamon
2 lb. sugar
6 eggs
5 c. flour (use 1/2 c. over nuts and raisins)
2 tsp. soda
1 pt. wine

Mix flour, soda and spices. Cream pork and sugar; add eggs, one at a time. Add wine, flour alternately. Add floured nuts and raisins; mix well. Line bottom of pan with greased brown paper. Bake at 250 degrees F for 1 1/2 hours or until done. Remove paper when done.

Mrs. Ed. H. Lindley, Brimingham South Council, Calling All Cooks, pg 129

Why waste good wine?

Here is what I can imagine it looks like. I drew this, too. Call me Michelangelo.

Mayonnaise Cake

For starters, let me say that I'm all about substituting and making changes to recipes and personally, I do it often. When we eat something that makes the hubs and I go "Meh..." he says, "You used a recipe, huh?" I always answer with a depressing, "Yep."

That said, there are certain things that don't go together. I understand fully that cakes need moisture. I get that, really. I understand that when heat is applied to mayonnaise, it basically melts and becomes gooey oily.. stuff. It is oil, eggs, and lemon juice whisked together, after all. What I don't understand is how mayonnaise ended up in a cake. I'll give the creator of the mayo cake credit for ingenuity, but the credit stops there. I mean, you don't see kids running around saying they want a chocolate and mayonnaise sandwich. Blech. In my oh-so-set mind, this is akin to a banana and chicken smoothie. Choke on that one.

Uh oh...

Here, baby, let me clean that up. No.. no.. it's ok. Whoops. Looks like it's in your shoelaces. Take 'em on out and I'll soak 'em in the sink.

Now, let Mama tell you a scary story about a cake. With mayonnaise in it. Can you please stop crying so the others can hear?

3 c. unsifted flour
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/3 c. cocoa
2 1/4 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 c. mayonnaise
1 1/2 c. water
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla

Sift together dry ingredients. Stir in mayonnaise. Gradually stir in water and vanilla until smooth and well blended. Pour into prepared pans (two 9 inch layers or one 9x13 inch pan). Bake at 350F about 30 minutes or until cake springs back when touched. Frost with chocolate icing or with cream cheese icing.

Nancy Morgan, Decatur Council, pg 139 Calling All Cooks

So, in case you are wondering, no, I have never had a mayonnaise cake. I have, however, read lots and lots of reviews about them. Pretty much what turned me off with this, other than the fact that it has MAYONNAISE in it, is that reviewers say that it lacks flavor and the cake is very dense. No, thanks. I'll pass.

Appetizers... or not.

Chinese Chicken Wings

50 wings (cut off tips)
1 tsp. dry mustard
1 tsp. Accent
1 Tbsp. molasses (overflowing)
1/2 c. soy sauce
1/3 c. salad oil
1/8 tsp. garlic powder
1 chopped medium onion

Mix all ingredients together and cover in refrigerator 7 to 8 hours to marinate. Turn over once or twice. Place on cookie sheet and bake 1 hour at 350 F in a shallow pan. (Try 40 minutes.)

Bonnie Summers, Huntsville Council, pg. 9

I know, I know.. this one doesn't sound so bad. Maybe it isn't. My beef with it is that the second you throw in soy sauce, it automatically morphs into a Chinese dish. I'm sure Grannies all over China use Accent and garlic powder in the sticky, molasses-coated wings they eat every night. Can ya'll do me a favor? Could ya stop calling things like this Chinese food?

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Great Nachos

1 pkg. Doritos
1 can chili with beans
1 can chili without beans
2 c. shredded cheese

Layer Doritos, chili and cheese on large plate. Microwave 7 minutes on high or bake in 350 F oven 30-40 minutes.

Pati Cheney, Birmingham East Council, pg 21

Pati, what the Hell? You microwave your nachos? Ok.. not even nachos, this is bachelor slop. Mind you, I'd probably eat it if there was enough beer involved. But.. microwave? Punkin.. this ain't great. It's not even good. It's barely edible. Like someone told me yesterday, "You're doing it all wrong." If you want to eat orange, flaccid, slimy triangles covered in goop, go right ahead. I'll heat the chili first, put it in a bowl, top it with cheese, then scoop it out with the Doritos. Crispy chips, not nearly as messy, and every chip gets a dip. It's not rocket surgery, Pati.

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Tuna Pate

1 (8 oz.) pkg. softened cream cheese
2 Tbsp. chili sauce
2 Tbsp. parsley
1/2 tsp. Tabasco sauce
2 (6 1/2 oz.) cans tuna, drained
1 tsp. minced onion

Pack into a 4 cup mold and chill at least 3 hours. Unmold. Serve with crackers.

Debbie Tucker, Birmingham East Council, pg 29

I... what do I do with all of these ingredients, again? Can ya help me out, Debbie? You don't tell me what to do with this stuff, but you expect me to cram it into a mold and then flop it out onto a serving tray with crackers? I need help, woman! The future of tuna molds everywhere depends upon your guidance! You know what, keep it to yourself, Debbie. I think we'll all be just fine.

...And So It Begins... Again

I was nice to you all. I posted decent recipes and pictures of the garden. I was full of happiness and cheer. Then, you did it. Every one of you went and did it. You ignored the nice. You let the nice slip through your fingers and so, here I am for payback. This is what you get. This is what you asked for, even if the words never left your mouth. Shut up and take what's comin'. You know you want it, anyway.

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All recipes in this post are from Calling All Cooks, Telephone Pioneers of America, Alabama Chapter No. 34

Creamy Stuffed Celery

3 stalks celery
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 Tbsp. finely chopped pimiento-stuffed olives
1 Tbsp. finely chopped onion
1 Tbsp. finely chopped sweet pickle
1 Tbsp. finely chopped pecans
1 1/2 tsp. mayonnaise

Wash celery, and cut into 3 inch pieces. Combine remaining ingredients, mixing well. Stuff the celery pieces with cream cheese mixture. Yield: 9 celery pieces.

Regina Cash, Anniston Council, pg. 4

Well, let's see here. I got some celery 'bout to go bad. I got one pickle, three olives, a dried up hunk 'a cream cheese, and some pimenter. Eh, I'ma mix it up an' see what happens.

Three hours, a joint and half a dozen tequila and lime Jell-O shots later, Regina has a moment of trailer-trash clarity and jots this beauty down on the back of a Family Dollar receipt. The next morning, a bleary-eyed Regina gives this to the lady in H.R. ..what was her name again? Earlene. Yeah, that's her. She made them good Swedish meatballs for the Christmas party.

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Saucy Chicken Livers

1 lb. chicken livers
Salt
Pepper
1/4 c. melted butter or margarine
1 c. dry bread crumbs
Lemon Curry Dip

Lemon Curry Dip:

1 c. chicken broth or bouillon
1/3 c. freshly squeezed orange juice
1 Tbsp. cornstarch
3 Tbsp. brown sugar
1 Tbsp. butter or margarine
1/2 tsp. curry powder
2 tsp. freshly grated lemon peel
3 Tbsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice

Rinse livers in cold water an dry on paper towel. Cut into bite size pieces. Sprinkle with salt and pepper; dip in melted butter and coat with bread crumbs. Place on cold broiler pan 3 to 5 inches from source of heat in cold broiler. Broil 5 to 6 minutes on each side until crisp. Serve with hot Lemon Curry Dip. Appetizers for 8 or may be served as a light supper.

Lemon Curry Dip: Thoroughly combine broth, orange juice and cornstarch. Add brown sugar, butter and curry: bring to boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. Boil 2 to 3 munutes. Add lemon peel and juice; set aside and keep warm. I put the Lemon Curry Dip in fondue to keep warm. Dim in the livers and you may enjoy dipping crusty French bread in dip. Delicious.

Bonnie Summers, Huntsville Council, pg. 8

Alright ya'll. I have a very sensitive gag reflex. Boogers? Yak. Brushing my teeth? I nearly vomit every time. Reading this recipe? Yeah. Almost, but not quite. It was close. I could smell the Lemon Curry Dip. And the livers. Together.. you know what? I can't do anymore for this one. Just thinking about it... Oh...

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Zippy Franks

1 lb. frankfurters
1 (10 oz.) jar jelly
1/2 c. mustard
1 Tbsp. horseradish

Melt a 10 ounce jar of jelly with 1/2 cup mustard, 1 Tbsp. horseradish. Add 1 pound frankfurters, cut into 1 inch pieces. Heat and serve.

Mendolyn Dean, Montgomery Council, pg. 18

The livers made me sick. This is just vague enough to make it not so bad, even if half a cup of mustard is too much mustard, no matter how big the bowl of "sauce" is. (I noticed it when I typed it, but a friend asked, "What type of jelly do you use?" I immediately thought about.. um.. Kentucky Jelly.) I think I picked this one just because "frankfurters" is fun to say. Say it. No.. out loud. Listen to the word come out of your mouth. The more you say it, the funnier it gets. Frankfurter... frankfurter.. Frank Furter.

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You all suck, see you next time. Or not. Go suck a rotten egg, all of you.

Guess What I Found.....

Yes, I found Hell: The Original.
Yes, I'm going to drag you all down with me.
And you'll like it.

What Fresh Hell Is This?

I opened my trusty red cookbook and found Hell.  The section we have reached is.. I can't bear it... gelatin salads. I know! Shh, it's going to be alright. We'll get through this together. Hold my hand.

Tighter. . .

Don't let go and don't look back. Eyes forward at all times. Stop crying, it makes you look like a sissy.

*Unless otherwise stated, all recipes are from Calling All Cooks Two*

Extra Special Salad

1 small box lemon jello
1/2 c. crushed pineapple, drained
2 small ctn. Cool Whip
1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 c. pineapple juice
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
3/4 c. sugar2 Tbsp. sifted flour
2 beaten eggs
1/2 c. chopped nuts

Prepare jello and let soft jell; add pineapple and chill until firm. Whip Cool Whip with cream cheese; spread over jello. Cook juices, sugar, flour, and eggs until at custard stage. Cool and spread over Cool Whip mixture. Sprinkle with nuts and refrigerate.
Brandon Kincaid, Birmingham Central Council, pg 554

See, that wasn't so bad, it was extra special! I just like to type "sprinkle with nuts" whenever I get the chance. It makes me feel like a dirty girl.

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Men Like It Salad
(Is it full of porn and beer?)

2 small pkg. cream cheese
1 (No. 2) can crushed pineapple
1 pkg. lemon jello
2/3 c. chopped nuts
1 small jar pimentos
1/2 pt. whipping cream
(no porn and beer.. Well, damn.)

Drain No. 2 can crushed pineapple; use juice and add enough water to make a cup. Bring juice to a boil and add lemon jello. Set aside to cool. To cream cheese (softened and mashed smooth with a fork), add pineapple, nuts, and pimentos (chopped and drained). Add cooled jello to mixture. Whip cream and fold into mixture. Serves 9 or more.

Nope. No porn and beer. Turns out that men don't like it. Nancy likes it...

Nancy Williams, Anniston Council, pg. 559

Let's keep going. Don't look it in the eyes.
Oh God, you looked it in the eyes! RUN!!

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Cherry Snowball Salad

1 c. boiling water
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cherry jello
1/2 c. sweet red wine or apple juice (unsweetened)
1/2 c. cold water
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cream cheese
1/3 c. pecans, finely chopped
1/3 c. chopped maraschino cherries

Pour boiling water on gelatin in bowl; stir quickly until gelatin is dissolved. Stir in cherries, wine (or apple juice), and cold water. Chill in refrigerator until thickened slightly (like unbeaten egg whites). Cut cream cheese into 18 squares; roll in pecans. (They will become round when rolled.) Pour 1/3 of thickened jello into mold. Place cheese balls evenly in gelatin and cover with remaining gelatin. Chill until completely firm. Serves about 6.

Ruth Apperson, Decatur Council, pg. 560

There is only one thing that comes to mind when I read the word "snowball" and it is the number 37. That is the only reason this is in here. I can see the dropped faces from here. It's pretty great, actually. Now I can slog through this with just a tiny bit of sadistic glee from breaking your brains.

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Cottage Cheese Congealed Salad
(only the worst name for a salad in the entire world... Second place goes to "Men Like It Salad".)

1 large box lime or lemon jello
1 large box cottage cheese (large curd)
1 c. mayonnaise
1/2 c. finely chopped celery
1/2 c. chopped bell pepper
3 Tbsp. minced onions

Mix jello with water according to direction on jello box; chill to soft chill. Mix all other ingredients together; chill for several hours.

Madeline Odom, Riverchase Council, pg. 561

Sorry I upchucked on your shoes. I know, I know they are Jimmy Choos. That'll teach you to stop spending so much money on stupid stuff. Let's go! It only gets worse from here, but the end is near. I know my breath smells like puke. Quit whining. We've made it this far... Move it!

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Crisco Salad
(I swear on Margaret's grave. ...she's my dead Gran, it's ok. She swore all the time. "Shit" was her favorite word.)

1 (3 oz.) box raspberry jello (make up and almost let jell)
1 c. sugar
1 c. Crisco
2 whole eggs
1 small can crushed pineapple, drained
1 c. pecans, chopped
1 box graham crackers, crushed

Cream Crisco and sugar; beat until fluffy. Add eggs; blend well. Add pineapple and nuts. Use oblong Pyrex dish. Put a layer of graham crackers and 1/2 of mixture, then another layer of graham crackers and other 1/2 of mixture. Place another layer of graham crackers on top of this, then cover with jello. Refrigerate.

Betty Tucker (unknown affiliation), pg. 553

See? That wasn't so bad. Sure, we slipped in the Crisco back there and it was a little hairy, but we made it. You can cry on my sleeve, but if you get snot on me, I'm dragging you back to Betty. She will force-feed you Crisco salad until you die of a heart attack. Wipe your mouth, dear, you drooled a bit. You go on home and fix something healthy for your family and I'll see you next time, okay?

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Bonus! I found this beauty this morning (6-29-10) while looking for more vomit-inducing slop to post.

Jello Vegetable Salad

1 pkg. lemon jello
1-1/2 c. boiling water
1 c. shredded cabbage
1 c. shredded carrots
1 c. mayonnaise
2 small green onions, finely chopped

Dissolve jello in boiling water. Set aside to congeal slightly. Add remaining ingredients. Pour into mold and congeal.

Jo Slappey, Phenix City Club, pg. 575
Jello should never, ever look like this. If you make Jello and it does look like the picture above, do the rest of the world a favor and stop breathing forever. I read a story yesterday about a minister who allowed members of the congregation to contribute to the weekly bulletin. One week, a jello recipe appeared. It involved olives and anchovies. It so disgusted the members of his church, that years later it still haunted him. To this day, when he falls ill, he receives this "thing" as a get-well-soon gesture. Just goes to show...

Stuffed Cabbage

1 large head cabbage
1 can corned beef hash

Hollow cabbage from stem end, leaving about 1 inch thickness. Stuff cabbage with the corned beef hash. Using boiler that fits the cabbage head as nearly as possible, put 2 cups salted water and stuff cabbage. Cook until tender, covered with lid. Season to taste. Extra cabbage may be chopped and cooked at the same time on top of the corned beef or it may be used for slaw.

Jamima Edney, Birmingham South Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 604

I love cabbage. I like it raw, I like it steamed, it is divine when stuffed with the proper fillings and slow-cooked in a light sauce. What I don't like is that this is an entire head stuffed with a can of... slop. Then again, when you don't know what food should taste like, you eat cabbage stuffed with canned corned beef. And you love it.

Poor Jamima never cooked in her life until she saw this on the back of the label. She fixed this every Thursday night for forty years. That is forty years too long, Jamima. Forty years too long.

Hostess Twinkie Surprise

1 pkg. (10) Hostess Twinkies
1 box vanilla instant pudding
1-1/2 cups milk
1 (8 oz.) pkg. Cool Whip
2 boxes frozen strawberries (in sugar), thawed

Slice Twinkies in halves lengthwise. Put in 13x9x1 inch pan. Pour thawed strawberries over Twinkies. In a large bowl, mix pudding, milk and Cool Whip. Pour over the strawberries. Cover with Saran Wrap and let stand in refrigerator overnight.

Debbie Owen, Birmingham South Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 332



We, as Americans, have lost all ability to cook. If you were to hand Debbie a bag of flour, a dozen eggs, some sugar, milk, and baking soda, she would look at you as if you were trying to kill her puppy. How dare you force the notion of actually cooking onto this workin' girl! It's just as good to open some Twinkies and throw some other pre-packaged crap on top of it and call it a day. I love how it suggests you wrap it in Saran Wrap, specifically, and let it hang out in the chiller for the night. What is it going to do? Get in good with the vodka you're hiding behind the Kool-Aid? Is it going to coax the Lunchables out of their boxes in a late-night striptease session? Why isn't there a can of Milwaukee's Beast tossed in for good measure? You know, it probably is, but Debbie was too tanked on the "hidden" vodka to add it to the Cool Whip top she wrote this recipe on.

This recipe really surprised me. In a cookbook full of terrible casseroles and horrible appetizers, this book shines when it comes to desserts. Southerners make amazing sweets. There are so many old fashioned, from scratch desserts I want to try. Then, there is this Twinkie... thing. Debbie, Debbie... What happened? Too many trips to Dallas?

Tuna on Pineapple Rings

2 c. cooked rice
1 can tuna
1/8 tsp. pepper
1 Tbsp. chopped parsley
1 Tbsp. onion juice
1 tsp. salt2/3 c. thick white sauce
3/4 c. grated cheese
10 slices pineapple
2 Tbsp. brown sugar
1/3 c. crushed cereal flakes

Combine rice, tuna, pepper, parsley, onion juice, salt, and white sauce with 1/2 cup grated cheese. Drain pineapple and use the juice to moisten the brown sugar. Spread slices of pineapple on a shallow baking dish and brush with brown sugar mixture. Spoon tuna mixture on pineapple slices, shaping into a mound. Sprinkle with cereal crumbs and top with remaining grated cheese. Bake at 350 F for 20 minutes. Serves 5.

Marguerite Hancock, Birmingham West Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg 290-291

Oh. Emm. Gee. Ok, first of all, I tried like Hell to find a picture that combined tuna and pineapple. Looks like I didn't find one. THERE IS A REASON! The reason is that when pineapple and tuna (both from a can) are combined, they taste like ass. Rancid ass. Full of tuna and pineapple. And cheese. We aren't sure what kind of cheese, but it's got pineapple, tuna, cereal, and white sauce in it. Why not throw in some mystery cheese? Second, "white sauce" doesn't have instructions. If I'm lazy enough to throw tuna, cereal, pineapple, and cheese together, I'm not going to go the kitchen and whip up a batch of fresh white sauce. That requires actual cooking, which this isn't. Third, oh God, forget it. Since I couldn't find the right picture, here is one that is totally unrelated, but is white trash food, nonetheless.

Spaghetti and Ketchup
Awww yeah...
No, not really.

Feed 'Um Crow

Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye;
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
They all began to sing.
Now, wasn't that a dainty dish
To set before the King?

The King was in his countinghouse,
Counting out his money;
The Queen was in the parlor
Eating bread and honey.
The maid was in the garden,
Hanging out the clothes.
Along there came a big black bird
And snipped off her nose!

This rhyme always scared the living shit out of me. As a child, it terrified me to poke a pie with a top crust for fear of crows flying out and pecking off my nose. I'm still afraid of some pies. Have you SEEN some of the stuff people cook? I know why you're here, how about we get on with it?

Crow Casserole

You may have some obnoxious friends. Feed 'um crow.

Remove crow breasts. Soak overnight in salt water. Parboil for 1/2 hour. Brown in butter. Place on a bed of 1.5 inches of sauerkraut in a casserole. Cover each breast with bacon strips. Cover with sliced onions and more sauerkraut. Pour sauerkraut juice over the whole thing. Bake for 2 hours at 350 F.

If it still tastes like crow, you did something wrong. Get outdoors.

Imogene Davis, Birmingham Life Member Club
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 287

I don't think I have ever typed the word sauerkraut until today. It's a pain in the ass to type. This is beautiful all on its own. See you next time.

Beef Casserole

I know it's a small picture. Do you really want it to be bigger? I didn't think so.

1 1/4 lb. ground beef
1 large onion
1 large bell pepper
1 small can tomato sauce
1 (6 oz.) can mushroom soup
1 c. elbow macaroni
1 1/2 c. grated American cheese

Brown meat, onion and pepper. Drain. Cook macaroni and drain. Mix first 6 ingredients and pour into deep greased casserole. Bake for about 30 minutes at 300 F. Put cheese over top and return to oven to melt cheese.

Frances Cooner, Tri-Cities Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 270

Cream of mushroom soup mixed with tomato sauce has a yuck factor of infinity. Mix that with cheese that is strip-mined in Michigan and we have a winner. This is not food, people. I would be afraid to feed this to a dog. Step well away from the cream of mushroom soup, now. It is NOT a sauce. I repeat, condensed cream of mushroom soup is NOT A SAUCE! Glad we're clear on that. I think the only thing about this recipe that makes me happy is that it doesn't contain sliced wieners. Although, if they were those Wild Wieners we talked about earlier, we might be in bid'ness. Love ya'll. Come back an' see me!

Bad Recipe Roundup

I admit that I am a sucker for cookbooks. I love to flip through them, page by page, carefully reading each recipe. I am in love with my current cookbook for a totally different reason. The recipes are miserable. If you didn't read the last two posts, this one should make up for the fact that you didn't care enough to read them. ...And here's a picture of some gross food to kick things off.
I don't know what I am looking at here. That's a lot of brown, whatever it is. Forward, march!

Earlean's Swedish Meatballs

1 (16 oz.) jar grape jelly
1 (16 oz.) bottle Kraft barbeque sauce
2 lb. ground chuck
2 pkg. hamburger seasoning
2 eggs
salt and pepper to taste

Mix jelly and barbeque sauce together in pan; place on low heat until jelly dissolves. Mix ground chuck, seasoning, eggs, salt, and pepper together. Make small balls and cook in 375 degree oven for approximately 1 hour. Drain; place meatballs in barbeque sauce-grape jelly mixture. Simmer for 45 minutes.

Willie Parker, Huntsville Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 20

This is beautiful. I see a single-wide decked out in old Christmas garland, with a plastic snowman and an inflatable Santa in the yard. I hear Sandy in the kitchen saying under her breath, "Dammit, I just dropped ashes in the meatballs." She quietly scoops them out and thinks to herself, They won't never know it.

The name of the recipe is Earlean's Swedish Meatballs. Let that simmer for a bit. Earlean is not Swedish. Neither are her meatballs. Add to it that she thinks Kraft "barbeque" sauce is fit to put onto anything edible and it's win-win for me. The first time I read this recipe, I saw the richness in it. ...and I have to guiltily admit that meatballs in barbecue sauce and grape jelly, while not Swedish, are pretty darn good. ....moving on. *cough*

Polecat Mash

1 can cheap sardines (packed in oil)
1 Tbsp. mustard
2 Tbsp. catsup
1/2 tsp. Tabasco
1/2 medium onion, finely chopped
2 Tbsp. sweet relish
Juice of 1/2 lemon

Mash sardines. Add all other ingredients. Mix well. Serve on crackers.

Don't knock it till you try it. It's good.

Teresa Elkouie, Birmingham East Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 24

I have no words. Next.

Oh, and for the record, these are all as written in the book. I never add anything to them or change the spelling. Yes, "Don't knock it till you try it. It's good." was really part of the recipe. Pardon me while I go vomit.

Wild Wieners
(Appetizer)

1 (14 oz.) bottle catsup
1 c. Wild Turkey liqueur
2 lb. miniature cocktail franks

Combine catsup and liqueur in a large skillet. Simmer, uncovered, for 15 minutes. Add cocktail franks. Continue simmering for 15 more minutes. Serve in chafing dish. Makes delicious easy appetizer!

Dean Gidley, Birmingham Central Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 30

I'm done. See you guys later. I think I over-did it. Ugh... Ew, vurps are nasty, by the way.

Beulah's Mayonnaise Corn Bread

1/2 c. self-rising flour
2 c. self-rising meal
1/2 c. mayonnaise
1/2 c. buttermilk
1 1/2 c. water
1/4 c. Crisco, melted in bread pan

Mix first 5 ingredients; pour into preheated skillet, containing the Crisco. Bake for 20 minutes in 450 F degree oven.

Hilda Hamilton, Mobile Council
Calling All Cooks Two (1988), page 81

The title of this recipe speaks to me. It whispers of hot summers on Gran-Momma's front porch snappin' beans. It sings the sweet notes of iced tea with enough sugar in it to make your teeth hurt. It also screams that Beulah put mayonnaise in her cornbread. I hear the lament of Lenny, the broken-spirited husband sitting at the table with a greasy piece of cornbread next to his nearly-burnt beans. I see the tears running down his cheeks that he swears are from the quartered onion on his napkin. I see Beulah, in all her Southern glory, proud that she has whipped a man like Lenny. His tears are her triumphs.

Ezell's "Two Pound" Stew

I found this beauty while I was flipping through an older cookbook. Enjoy

2 lb. lean ground beef
2 lb. lean pork
2 lb. chicken (medium fryer)
2 lb. diced potatoes
2 lb. sliced carrots
2 (1 lb.) cans LeSueur English peas
2 (1 lb.) cans whole kernel corn
2 (1 lb.) cans cream style corn
2 (1 lb.) cans butter beans
2 (1 lb.) cans stewed tomatoes
2 (1 lb.) cans tomato sauce
2 (1 lb.) cans sliced okra
2 lb. diced onion
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbsp. black pepper
2 oz. salt
2 oz. Worcestershire sauce
2 oz. soy sauce
2 c. brown sugar

Brown ground beef and drain. Simmer pork and chicken in water until tender then debone and dice. Cook pork and chicken together; save broth for stew. In a large, "I mean large," canner or boiler, place all meats and broth. Add other ingredients and simmer until potatoes and carrots are tender. Add more salt to taste. "If you like it hot," add Tabasco sauce, ground red pepper and/or mustard. (Stir frequently.) Makes about 4 gallons.

If you want less, make it Ezell's "One Pound Stew."

Hint: More meat is better!

Marvin F. Ezell (Eufala), Phenix City Council

Calling All Cooks Two, page 430

I can't ever imagine a situation where I would need four gallons of soup where most of the ingredients are in cans. But, if you ever find yourself in this situation, here ya go. Personally, I never went to a family reunion that required more than finger sandwich trays, Chex mix, and a heaping plateful of homicidal thoughts.

I'll be posting more of these beauties. There are too many to count, really. There is something about a mayonnaise cornbread in here, too. I gotta find it. You guys are seriously going to puke. Good times, good times.

Never In It

Here's to being an outcast.

Gobs of Garlic

There it is, in all its rosy-shouldered, pungent glory. There are forty heads that took nearly eight months to grow.

A True Garden Salad

The peas are sweet, the peppers tangy, the onions pungent, and the chard... well, it's chard. While it might not sound delicious or gourmet or any other word that gourmands or other food snobs have come to use, it is true, it is ours. We grew these foods with our bare hands, hard work, and lots of love... and maybe a few curses along the way. The tiller proved an invaluable asset, the hoe laid waste to many weeds, and my new straw hat became my best friend. Colorado Potato Beetles, aphids, ants, and wind have been our biggest enemies. Yet, we still have this dainty, delicious salad. My three-year-old can roam in the garden and pick whatever he likes without me having to shout at him to "STOP!" because of chemicals on the plants. It makes my heart swell... along with my eyes on some occasions, to see him covered in dirt, eating peas he just plucked off the vines making "Mmmm" sounds. I'm livin' the dream, ya'll.

Edit: Just to list what we've harvested so far. Everything is in pounds, except for mushrooms, which are in grams, and cucumbers and garlic, which are counted as quantity each.

Bright lights chard: .25
Strawberries: 1.74
Banana peppers: .22
Jalapenos: .34
Snow peas: .35
Cucumbers: 6 each
Garlic: 17 heads
Onions: 1.1 (even after the failure, I am happy.)
Potatoes: 2.4 mixed red and white
Chanterelle Mushrooms: 50g (weighs about 6.5 nickels... not really enough to warrant using pounds on the scale. When I get enough, I will. Can't wait!)

Downy Mildew

The picture is not of our onions, but it may as well have been. Ours got attacked by downy mildew when high heat hit our region and they never recovered. We are keeping pretty much anything with -cide out of our garden, so all commercial fungicides were immediately crossed off the list. We could have used powdered sulfur, but it would have affected the flavor of the onions. That and there's that whole thing about powdered sulfur mixing with water... It turns into sulfurous acid... bad juju. We have kids, bad juju is out. There is also a copper mixture, but there again is the "is it really good for you" thing rearing its ugly head. This is more for large-scale operations and for the tiny patch we had, the best solution was to pick them and put something else in its place.

What to look for:
For us, the leaves started to turn yellow and the tips withered. Some of the stalks bent at the top of the bulb and laid on the ground. The leaves developed spots and the necks turned soft. The necks in these were squishy, but not bent. In the mornings, there were purple-brown spots on the leaves. This is the fungus moving around. It tends to disappear as the sun gets more intense.

I don't count this so much as a failure, but as a learning experience. Our soil is different from that of our friends, by a vast degree. We live on the remnants of an old pecan orchard, so our soil, while sandy, is full of rich, organic matter. It's also full of fungi. We can grow beans, peppers, and potatoes like there is no tomorrow. Onions do not appear to be on that list. Next year, my onions will come from a local farm and I'm alright with that.

Plenty of Peppers

We've officially gone overboard. What started as the desire to grow and can our own peppers for year-round use has turned into an obsession, a hunt for more. It has resulted in the making of mental lists that will likely turn into pen-and-paper reality. It will probably evolve into the pair of us cultivating our own pepper patch.

We wanted jalapenos and banana peppers. Simple, huh? Jalapenos for when we wanted a kick. Banana peppers for when the milder side took over. We bought two jalapeno plants and four sweet banana plants. We are the only people in our household of five that eat them, so surely it would be enough, right? Then, we went to town. Aerron was lost to me for a while. He was hypnotized by Scoville units, flavor charts, and wordy descriptions of varieties he had never before seen. We left with four more plants. We managed to find Mammoth Jalapenos and a tame variety. They are happily soaking in the sun where our onions used to be.

Next year, it will be bigger. We will go early and find the ones we wanted, but the store had already sold out. I will also be putting out a call for help to harvest them around July or August. I am hoping they do as well this year as they did last year. We had so many that a lot of them were simply left to rot on the ground, even after canning and giving them to friends. I am also hoping we become the "Jalapeno People" at the farmers' market, should it get off the ground.

This summer, if you find a mysterious bag of peppers on your doorstep, yeah... We likely ran out of jars and the will to live.

**Update: As of noon today, we have four more pepper plants. Someone call the men in white coats, please.

Watch This

"The Future of Food" is a 2004 documentary by Deborah Koons Garcia. I could launch into a tirade about how much I despise the Monsanto Corporation, but all I would get is a sore throat. I lived near a Monsanto plant for many, many years and still have family a few miles from it. The fear started there, but grew into hatred over the years. There was the looming fear of a major explosion, which the local EMA had to plan for. We got disaster preparedness plans every year because of the plant. There was lawsuit after lawsuit due to dumped toxins. After learning about all the dirty tricks the company has pulled with food and with farmers, I am left with a feeling of disgust. I am reassured that growing my own food is the right thing. I am also more motivated to find or start a farmers' market in our area. (Thank you for being excited with me, babe.)

Start a food revolution in your own home. Grow something, anything to take at least a small portion of the power away from these food industries. I want these companies (Monsanto, ConAgra, Smithfield, and Cargill) to crumble in my lifetime. If not, I want to instill into my children the desire to take their food back from them. If we do not start now, we will monoculture the entire world into starvation. Vote with your money and put those votes into your yard, into your farmers' markets, and into your community.

Better Late Than Never

Plants should be in the ground, in pots, in raised beds, and in other various homes by now. We live in zone 8. This means we have an amazing growing season. We get to start planting in February for some Spring crops and can have two harvests of others, such as broccoli and beans. Here is a wonderful resource for both Spring and Fall planting dates, seed depth, and spacing.

I read this again after Terzo asked if we could grow broccoli. I now have renewed visions of perky greens, plump turnips, and fresh broccoli in the garden when it is in its autumn decline.

Grit Magazine

I bought one of these on a whim the other day. I have since read it from cover to cover and plan to read it again. It is a great resource for those that want to live a more sustainable, rural way of life compared to the high-maintenance lifestyles portrayed in other magazines. I am seriously considering subscriptions to this and Mother Earth News. Grit is a bimonthly periodical and runs a bit steep (twenty bucks) for six issues. I still think it is worth it. The articles are well-written and the photography, while fantastic, is not full of artistic pretension. Overall, it gets two dirt-covered thumbs up.

Ladybugs

I know this isn't a great picture, but do you realize how hard it is to take a good photo of something the size of your pinky toenail with a crappy camera? This is as good as it gets. I went to the web and found stock photos to clarify the picture. This is a ladybug larva. It's what they look like in infancy. Kinda looks like a wonky-colored alligator, huh? They are beastly, spiny critters that, if unknown to the gardener, would provoke a tirade of squishing, spraying, and screaming. I know I would. I probably have squished a few. Now, I know better. It is hard to believe that these unsightly critters grow up to be the cute little bug that society has copied to be the symbol of good luck, friendship, and cuteness that it is.

The alligator-shaped bug is its first larval stage. This stage lasts for about three weeks. They hang out on your garden plants eating aphids, mites, and other nasties. It's best to leave them alone, but if one gets knocked off its perch, gently place it back on its home. The larvae are easily damaged at this stage, so it's best to let them do their thing in solitude. At the end of their three-week eating spree, they will attach to a leaf and take a bit of a nap. They will then molt, or shed their outer skin. They will do this three times before reaching adulthood. They will hang out, still looking for aphids, scales, and mites.

Until yesterday, I had no clue where ladybugs came from. I guess I always assumed they were cute from beginning to end, with no indication that they were ever anything but ladybugs. Now, I know better.

An English nursery-rhyme dating to 1744:

Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,

Your house is on fire and your children are gone,

All except one,

And her name is Ann,

And she hid under the baking pan.

...and the more grim version:

Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,
Your house is on fire,
Your children shall burn!

Happy gardening.

Colorado Potato Beetles

This is our potato patch that is in the front of our garden. What you can't see is that there are four rows. On those four rows are bugs. Colorado Potato Beetles. From this point on, we will call them CPB's or little bastards. I was lazily walking the rows, admiring the sudden burst of growth when I saw a striped little beetle. A flash from my childhood came to mind and screamed at me to kill this bugger... little bastard... CPB. Whatever. I did. I got a rock and I squished his guts out. I found a larvae and squished it, too. Ok, honestly, when I saw the larvae I had no clue what I was looking at. I had a feeling in my gut that told me it was bad.

Colorado Potato Beetle Larvae--Kill it with fire!...maybe not
fire, but a nice squishing should do the trick.

We are trying very hard to keep chemicals out of the garden. This means multiple walks every day to check for the little bastards. CPB's, I mean. Surely, these guys have natural predators. Hmm. Homework. I soo thought I was over doing homework when I grabbed my diploma from my principal. Please. I have never done more homework in my life than I have since we bought this place. I hit Google. Google sent me to many, many sites by county extension offices all over the country. They all said the same thing. They are resistant to pesticides and overwinter in the ground. Grr. This leaves two options: 1. Hand pick them. 2. Introduce predators. Hmm. Ok, what are the predators? Turns out that ladybugs luuurve them some CPB larvae. It seems in my eagerness to rid my potato plants of pests, I deprived a hungry ladybug of a meal. Dear ladybug, I am truly sorry. Help yourself. Bring friends. Love, me.

Love the ladybugs, leave the stinkbugs and let them eat the striped bugs. While stinkbugs aren't good for tomatoes, they are good for potatoes. I guess it's a good thing they are on opposite ends of the garden.

Move some earth, drop a seed, pray for rain, and reap the bounty. Happy gardening.

Guardian of Not-So-Gargantuan Size

Meet Alfritz. He is a mighty guardian of tiny stature. He has been standing watch over our strawberries for a year. Last year did not go so well for Alfritz. He was not intimidating enough to ward off the birds that dismembered the few strawberries we had. We imprisoned him in bird netting in an attempt to save what we could. The berries we picked were tasty. This year is bringing Alfritz a taste of freedom. He is getting a second chance to prove his worth. We will watch you, Alfritz. We will watch... and pray.