Appetizers... or not.

Chinese Chicken Wings

50 wings (cut off tips)
1 tsp. dry mustard
1 tsp. Accent
1 Tbsp. molasses (overflowing)
1/2 c. soy sauce
1/3 c. salad oil
1/8 tsp. garlic powder
1 chopped medium onion

Mix all ingredients together and cover in refrigerator 7 to 8 hours to marinate. Turn over once or twice. Place on cookie sheet and bake 1 hour at 350 F in a shallow pan. (Try 40 minutes.)

Bonnie Summers, Huntsville Council, pg. 9

I know, I know.. this one doesn't sound so bad. Maybe it isn't. My beef with it is that the second you throw in soy sauce, it automatically morphs into a Chinese dish. I'm sure Grannies all over China use Accent and garlic powder in the sticky, molasses-coated wings they eat every night. Can ya'll do me a favor? Could ya stop calling things like this Chinese food?

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Great Nachos

1 pkg. Doritos
1 can chili with beans
1 can chili without beans
2 c. shredded cheese

Layer Doritos, chili and cheese on large plate. Microwave 7 minutes on high or bake in 350 F oven 30-40 minutes.

Pati Cheney, Birmingham East Council, pg 21

Pati, what the Hell? You microwave your nachos? Ok.. not even nachos, this is bachelor slop. Mind you, I'd probably eat it if there was enough beer involved. But.. microwave? Punkin.. this ain't great. It's not even good. It's barely edible. Like someone told me yesterday, "You're doing it all wrong." If you want to eat orange, flaccid, slimy triangles covered in goop, go right ahead. I'll heat the chili first, put it in a bowl, top it with cheese, then scoop it out with the Doritos. Crispy chips, not nearly as messy, and every chip gets a dip. It's not rocket surgery, Pati.

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Tuna Pate

1 (8 oz.) pkg. softened cream cheese
2 Tbsp. chili sauce
2 Tbsp. parsley
1/2 tsp. Tabasco sauce
2 (6 1/2 oz.) cans tuna, drained
1 tsp. minced onion

Pack into a 4 cup mold and chill at least 3 hours. Unmold. Serve with crackers.

Debbie Tucker, Birmingham East Council, pg 29

I... what do I do with all of these ingredients, again? Can ya help me out, Debbie? You don't tell me what to do with this stuff, but you expect me to cram it into a mold and then flop it out onto a serving tray with crackers? I need help, woman! The future of tuna molds everywhere depends upon your guidance! You know what, keep it to yourself, Debbie. I think we'll all be just fine.

...And So It Begins... Again

I was nice to you all. I posted decent recipes and pictures of the garden. I was full of happiness and cheer. Then, you did it. Every one of you went and did it. You ignored the nice. You let the nice slip through your fingers and so, here I am for payback. This is what you get. This is what you asked for, even if the words never left your mouth. Shut up and take what's comin'. You know you want it, anyway.

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All recipes in this post are from Calling All Cooks, Telephone Pioneers of America, Alabama Chapter No. 34

Creamy Stuffed Celery

3 stalks celery
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 Tbsp. finely chopped pimiento-stuffed olives
1 Tbsp. finely chopped onion
1 Tbsp. finely chopped sweet pickle
1 Tbsp. finely chopped pecans
1 1/2 tsp. mayonnaise

Wash celery, and cut into 3 inch pieces. Combine remaining ingredients, mixing well. Stuff the celery pieces with cream cheese mixture. Yield: 9 celery pieces.

Regina Cash, Anniston Council, pg. 4

Well, let's see here. I got some celery 'bout to go bad. I got one pickle, three olives, a dried up hunk 'a cream cheese, and some pimenter. Eh, I'ma mix it up an' see what happens.

Three hours, a joint and half a dozen tequila and lime Jell-O shots later, Regina has a moment of trailer-trash clarity and jots this beauty down on the back of a Family Dollar receipt. The next morning, a bleary-eyed Regina gives this to the lady in H.R. ..what was her name again? Earlene. Yeah, that's her. She made them good Swedish meatballs for the Christmas party.

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Saucy Chicken Livers

1 lb. chicken livers
Salt
Pepper
1/4 c. melted butter or margarine
1 c. dry bread crumbs
Lemon Curry Dip

Lemon Curry Dip:

1 c. chicken broth or bouillon
1/3 c. freshly squeezed orange juice
1 Tbsp. cornstarch
3 Tbsp. brown sugar
1 Tbsp. butter or margarine
1/2 tsp. curry powder
2 tsp. freshly grated lemon peel
3 Tbsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice

Rinse livers in cold water an dry on paper towel. Cut into bite size pieces. Sprinkle with salt and pepper; dip in melted butter and coat with bread crumbs. Place on cold broiler pan 3 to 5 inches from source of heat in cold broiler. Broil 5 to 6 minutes on each side until crisp. Serve with hot Lemon Curry Dip. Appetizers for 8 or may be served as a light supper.

Lemon Curry Dip: Thoroughly combine broth, orange juice and cornstarch. Add brown sugar, butter and curry: bring to boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. Boil 2 to 3 munutes. Add lemon peel and juice; set aside and keep warm. I put the Lemon Curry Dip in fondue to keep warm. Dim in the livers and you may enjoy dipping crusty French bread in dip. Delicious.

Bonnie Summers, Huntsville Council, pg. 8

Alright ya'll. I have a very sensitive gag reflex. Boogers? Yak. Brushing my teeth? I nearly vomit every time. Reading this recipe? Yeah. Almost, but not quite. It was close. I could smell the Lemon Curry Dip. And the livers. Together.. you know what? I can't do anymore for this one. Just thinking about it... Oh...

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Zippy Franks

1 lb. frankfurters
1 (10 oz.) jar jelly
1/2 c. mustard
1 Tbsp. horseradish

Melt a 10 ounce jar of jelly with 1/2 cup mustard, 1 Tbsp. horseradish. Add 1 pound frankfurters, cut into 1 inch pieces. Heat and serve.

Mendolyn Dean, Montgomery Council, pg. 18

The livers made me sick. This is just vague enough to make it not so bad, even if half a cup of mustard is too much mustard, no matter how big the bowl of "sauce" is. (I noticed it when I typed it, but a friend asked, "What type of jelly do you use?" I immediately thought about.. um.. Kentucky Jelly.) I think I picked this one just because "frankfurters" is fun to say. Say it. No.. out loud. Listen to the word come out of your mouth. The more you say it, the funnier it gets. Frankfurter... frankfurter.. Frank Furter.

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You all suck, see you next time. Or not. Go suck a rotten egg, all of you.

Guess What I Found.....

Yes, I found Hell: The Original.
Yes, I'm going to drag you all down with me.
And you'll like it.