What Fresh Hell Is This?

I opened my trusty red cookbook and found Hell.  The section we have reached is.. I can't bear it... gelatin salads. I know! Shh, it's going to be alright. We'll get through this together. Hold my hand.

Tighter. . .

Don't let go and don't look back. Eyes forward at all times. Stop crying, it makes you look like a sissy.

*Unless otherwise stated, all recipes are from Calling All Cooks Two*

Extra Special Salad

1 small box lemon jello
1/2 c. crushed pineapple, drained
2 small ctn. Cool Whip
1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 c. pineapple juice
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
3/4 c. sugar2 Tbsp. sifted flour
2 beaten eggs
1/2 c. chopped nuts

Prepare jello and let soft jell; add pineapple and chill until firm. Whip Cool Whip with cream cheese; spread over jello. Cook juices, sugar, flour, and eggs until at custard stage. Cool and spread over Cool Whip mixture. Sprinkle with nuts and refrigerate.
Brandon Kincaid, Birmingham Central Council, pg 554

See, that wasn't so bad, it was extra special! I just like to type "sprinkle with nuts" whenever I get the chance. It makes me feel like a dirty girl.

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Men Like It Salad
(Is it full of porn and beer?)

2 small pkg. cream cheese
1 (No. 2) can crushed pineapple
1 pkg. lemon jello
2/3 c. chopped nuts
1 small jar pimentos
1/2 pt. whipping cream
(no porn and beer.. Well, damn.)

Drain No. 2 can crushed pineapple; use juice and add enough water to make a cup. Bring juice to a boil and add lemon jello. Set aside to cool. To cream cheese (softened and mashed smooth with a fork), add pineapple, nuts, and pimentos (chopped and drained). Add cooled jello to mixture. Whip cream and fold into mixture. Serves 9 or more.

Nope. No porn and beer. Turns out that men don't like it. Nancy likes it...

Nancy Williams, Anniston Council, pg. 559

Let's keep going. Don't look it in the eyes.
Oh God, you looked it in the eyes! RUN!!

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Cherry Snowball Salad

1 c. boiling water
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cherry jello
1/2 c. sweet red wine or apple juice (unsweetened)
1/2 c. cold water
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cream cheese
1/3 c. pecans, finely chopped
1/3 c. chopped maraschino cherries

Pour boiling water on gelatin in bowl; stir quickly until gelatin is dissolved. Stir in cherries, wine (or apple juice), and cold water. Chill in refrigerator until thickened slightly (like unbeaten egg whites). Cut cream cheese into 18 squares; roll in pecans. (They will become round when rolled.) Pour 1/3 of thickened jello into mold. Place cheese balls evenly in gelatin and cover with remaining gelatin. Chill until completely firm. Serves about 6.

Ruth Apperson, Decatur Council, pg. 560

There is only one thing that comes to mind when I read the word "snowball" and it is the number 37. That is the only reason this is in here. I can see the dropped faces from here. It's pretty great, actually. Now I can slog through this with just a tiny bit of sadistic glee from breaking your brains.

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Cottage Cheese Congealed Salad
(only the worst name for a salad in the entire world... Second place goes to "Men Like It Salad".)

1 large box lime or lemon jello
1 large box cottage cheese (large curd)
1 c. mayonnaise
1/2 c. finely chopped celery
1/2 c. chopped bell pepper
3 Tbsp. minced onions

Mix jello with water according to direction on jello box; chill to soft chill. Mix all other ingredients together; chill for several hours.

Madeline Odom, Riverchase Council, pg. 561

Sorry I upchucked on your shoes. I know, I know they are Jimmy Choos. That'll teach you to stop spending so much money on stupid stuff. Let's go! It only gets worse from here, but the end is near. I know my breath smells like puke. Quit whining. We've made it this far... Move it!

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Crisco Salad
(I swear on Margaret's grave. ...she's my dead Gran, it's ok. She swore all the time. "Shit" was her favorite word.)

1 (3 oz.) box raspberry jello (make up and almost let jell)
1 c. sugar
1 c. Crisco
2 whole eggs
1 small can crushed pineapple, drained
1 c. pecans, chopped
1 box graham crackers, crushed

Cream Crisco and sugar; beat until fluffy. Add eggs; blend well. Add pineapple and nuts. Use oblong Pyrex dish. Put a layer of graham crackers and 1/2 of mixture, then another layer of graham crackers and other 1/2 of mixture. Place another layer of graham crackers on top of this, then cover with jello. Refrigerate.

Betty Tucker (unknown affiliation), pg. 553

See? That wasn't so bad. Sure, we slipped in the Crisco back there and it was a little hairy, but we made it. You can cry on my sleeve, but if you get snot on me, I'm dragging you back to Betty. She will force-feed you Crisco salad until you die of a heart attack. Wipe your mouth, dear, you drooled a bit. You go on home and fix something healthy for your family and I'll see you next time, okay?

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Bonus! I found this beauty this morning (6-29-10) while looking for more vomit-inducing slop to post.

Jello Vegetable Salad

1 pkg. lemon jello
1-1/2 c. boiling water
1 c. shredded cabbage
1 c. shredded carrots
1 c. mayonnaise
2 small green onions, finely chopped

Dissolve jello in boiling water. Set aside to congeal slightly. Add remaining ingredients. Pour into mold and congeal.

Jo Slappey, Phenix City Club, pg. 575
Jello should never, ever look like this. If you make Jello and it does look like the picture above, do the rest of the world a favor and stop breathing forever. I read a story yesterday about a minister who allowed members of the congregation to contribute to the weekly bulletin. One week, a jello recipe appeared. It involved olives and anchovies. It so disgusted the members of his church, that years later it still haunted him. To this day, when he falls ill, he receives this "thing" as a get-well-soon gesture. Just goes to show...