Tuna Salad (For 150)

My Grandmother used to do a LOT of cooking for large crowds. She worked at a campground and also planned meals at a large church. I have her handwritten cookbook with several of those recipes. Some of them seem like they would be pretty dang good and while I do like tuna salad, I imagined what it would be like to make it for 150 people. It smells bad and has a terrible texture. At least it does in my brain. The recipe is exactly as it was written in the book, including random capitalization and all. Notes added by me will be marked with *

Tuna *unspecified amount
3 dozen eggs (hard boiled)
Pickle Relish *unspecified amount
3 med. Stalks of celery (sliced Thin)
Mayonnaise *unspecified amount
Salt & Pepper

Served 125 had about 25 servings over.

Here's your recipe for tuna salad for 150 people, you know, should you ever find yourself in a situation where you might actually NEED eighteen gallons of tuna salad. (That was a joke, folks, I'm not sure exactly how much this would make, seeing how my awesome Grandmother cooked from memory. She was one of those "a dash of this and a pinch of that" types.)

Pork Fruit Cake

I looked for a picture for this, especially since I am NOT going to make it. EVER. I came up short, so I drew a picture of a pig. Cute, huh? I thought so, too.

Let's not have the pig stare at you for nothing. Moving on.

Pork Fruit Cake

1 1/4 lb. fresh ground pork
2 boxes raisins
4 c. nuts
1 Tbsp. allspice
1 Tbsp. cloves
1 Tbsp. cinnamon
2 lb. sugar
6 eggs
5 c. flour (use 1/2 c. over nuts and raisins)
2 tsp. soda
1 pt. wine

Mix flour, soda and spices. Cream pork and sugar; add eggs, one at a time. Add wine, flour alternately. Add floured nuts and raisins; mix well. Line bottom of pan with greased brown paper. Bake at 250 degrees F for 1 1/2 hours or until done. Remove paper when done.

Mrs. Ed. H. Lindley, Brimingham South Council, Calling All Cooks, pg 129

Why waste good wine?

Here is what I can imagine it looks like. I drew this, too. Call me Michelangelo.

Mayonnaise Cake

For starters, let me say that I'm all about substituting and making changes to recipes and personally, I do it often. When we eat something that makes the hubs and I go "Meh..." he says, "You used a recipe, huh?" I always answer with a depressing, "Yep."

That said, there are certain things that don't go together. I understand fully that cakes need moisture. I get that, really. I understand that when heat is applied to mayonnaise, it basically melts and becomes gooey oily.. stuff. It is oil, eggs, and lemon juice whisked together, after all. What I don't understand is how mayonnaise ended up in a cake. I'll give the creator of the mayo cake credit for ingenuity, but the credit stops there. I mean, you don't see kids running around saying they want a chocolate and mayonnaise sandwich. Blech. In my oh-so-set mind, this is akin to a banana and chicken smoothie. Choke on that one.

Uh oh...

Here, baby, let me clean that up. No.. no.. it's ok. Whoops. Looks like it's in your shoelaces. Take 'em on out and I'll soak 'em in the sink.

Now, let Mama tell you a scary story about a cake. With mayonnaise in it. Can you please stop crying so the others can hear?

3 c. unsifted flour
1 1/2 c. sugar
1/3 c. cocoa
2 1/4 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 c. mayonnaise
1 1/2 c. water
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla

Sift together dry ingredients. Stir in mayonnaise. Gradually stir in water and vanilla until smooth and well blended. Pour into prepared pans (two 9 inch layers or one 9x13 inch pan). Bake at 350F about 30 minutes or until cake springs back when touched. Frost with chocolate icing or with cream cheese icing.

Nancy Morgan, Decatur Council, pg 139 Calling All Cooks

So, in case you are wondering, no, I have never had a mayonnaise cake. I have, however, read lots and lots of reviews about them. Pretty much what turned me off with this, other than the fact that it has MAYONNAISE in it, is that reviewers say that it lacks flavor and the cake is very dense. No, thanks. I'll pass.

Appetizers... or not.

Chinese Chicken Wings

50 wings (cut off tips)
1 tsp. dry mustard
1 tsp. Accent
1 Tbsp. molasses (overflowing)
1/2 c. soy sauce
1/3 c. salad oil
1/8 tsp. garlic powder
1 chopped medium onion

Mix all ingredients together and cover in refrigerator 7 to 8 hours to marinate. Turn over once or twice. Place on cookie sheet and bake 1 hour at 350 F in a shallow pan. (Try 40 minutes.)

Bonnie Summers, Huntsville Council, pg. 9

I know, I know.. this one doesn't sound so bad. Maybe it isn't. My beef with it is that the second you throw in soy sauce, it automatically morphs into a Chinese dish. I'm sure Grannies all over China use Accent and garlic powder in the sticky, molasses-coated wings they eat every night. Can ya'll do me a favor? Could ya stop calling things like this Chinese food?

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Great Nachos

1 pkg. Doritos
1 can chili with beans
1 can chili without beans
2 c. shredded cheese

Layer Doritos, chili and cheese on large plate. Microwave 7 minutes on high or bake in 350 F oven 30-40 minutes.

Pati Cheney, Birmingham East Council, pg 21

Pati, what the Hell? You microwave your nachos? Ok.. not even nachos, this is bachelor slop. Mind you, I'd probably eat it if there was enough beer involved. But.. microwave? Punkin.. this ain't great. It's not even good. It's barely edible. Like someone told me yesterday, "You're doing it all wrong." If you want to eat orange, flaccid, slimy triangles covered in goop, go right ahead. I'll heat the chili first, put it in a bowl, top it with cheese, then scoop it out with the Doritos. Crispy chips, not nearly as messy, and every chip gets a dip. It's not rocket surgery, Pati.

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Tuna Pate

1 (8 oz.) pkg. softened cream cheese
2 Tbsp. chili sauce
2 Tbsp. parsley
1/2 tsp. Tabasco sauce
2 (6 1/2 oz.) cans tuna, drained
1 tsp. minced onion

Pack into a 4 cup mold and chill at least 3 hours. Unmold. Serve with crackers.

Debbie Tucker, Birmingham East Council, pg 29

I... what do I do with all of these ingredients, again? Can ya help me out, Debbie? You don't tell me what to do with this stuff, but you expect me to cram it into a mold and then flop it out onto a serving tray with crackers? I need help, woman! The future of tuna molds everywhere depends upon your guidance! You know what, keep it to yourself, Debbie. I think we'll all be just fine.

...And So It Begins... Again

I was nice to you all. I posted decent recipes and pictures of the garden. I was full of happiness and cheer. Then, you did it. Every one of you went and did it. You ignored the nice. You let the nice slip through your fingers and so, here I am for payback. This is what you get. This is what you asked for, even if the words never left your mouth. Shut up and take what's comin'. You know you want it, anyway.

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All recipes in this post are from Calling All Cooks, Telephone Pioneers of America, Alabama Chapter No. 34

Creamy Stuffed Celery

3 stalks celery
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 Tbsp. finely chopped pimiento-stuffed olives
1 Tbsp. finely chopped onion
1 Tbsp. finely chopped sweet pickle
1 Tbsp. finely chopped pecans
1 1/2 tsp. mayonnaise

Wash celery, and cut into 3 inch pieces. Combine remaining ingredients, mixing well. Stuff the celery pieces with cream cheese mixture. Yield: 9 celery pieces.

Regina Cash, Anniston Council, pg. 4

Well, let's see here. I got some celery 'bout to go bad. I got one pickle, three olives, a dried up hunk 'a cream cheese, and some pimenter. Eh, I'ma mix it up an' see what happens.

Three hours, a joint and half a dozen tequila and lime Jell-O shots later, Regina has a moment of trailer-trash clarity and jots this beauty down on the back of a Family Dollar receipt. The next morning, a bleary-eyed Regina gives this to the lady in H.R. ..what was her name again? Earlene. Yeah, that's her. She made them good Swedish meatballs for the Christmas party.

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Saucy Chicken Livers

1 lb. chicken livers
Salt
Pepper
1/4 c. melted butter or margarine
1 c. dry bread crumbs
Lemon Curry Dip

Lemon Curry Dip:

1 c. chicken broth or bouillon
1/3 c. freshly squeezed orange juice
1 Tbsp. cornstarch
3 Tbsp. brown sugar
1 Tbsp. butter or margarine
1/2 tsp. curry powder
2 tsp. freshly grated lemon peel
3 Tbsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice

Rinse livers in cold water an dry on paper towel. Cut into bite size pieces. Sprinkle with salt and pepper; dip in melted butter and coat with bread crumbs. Place on cold broiler pan 3 to 5 inches from source of heat in cold broiler. Broil 5 to 6 minutes on each side until crisp. Serve with hot Lemon Curry Dip. Appetizers for 8 or may be served as a light supper.

Lemon Curry Dip: Thoroughly combine broth, orange juice and cornstarch. Add brown sugar, butter and curry: bring to boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. Boil 2 to 3 munutes. Add lemon peel and juice; set aside and keep warm. I put the Lemon Curry Dip in fondue to keep warm. Dim in the livers and you may enjoy dipping crusty French bread in dip. Delicious.

Bonnie Summers, Huntsville Council, pg. 8

Alright ya'll. I have a very sensitive gag reflex. Boogers? Yak. Brushing my teeth? I nearly vomit every time. Reading this recipe? Yeah. Almost, but not quite. It was close. I could smell the Lemon Curry Dip. And the livers. Together.. you know what? I can't do anymore for this one. Just thinking about it... Oh...

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Zippy Franks

1 lb. frankfurters
1 (10 oz.) jar jelly
1/2 c. mustard
1 Tbsp. horseradish

Melt a 10 ounce jar of jelly with 1/2 cup mustard, 1 Tbsp. horseradish. Add 1 pound frankfurters, cut into 1 inch pieces. Heat and serve.

Mendolyn Dean, Montgomery Council, pg. 18

The livers made me sick. This is just vague enough to make it not so bad, even if half a cup of mustard is too much mustard, no matter how big the bowl of "sauce" is. (I noticed it when I typed it, but a friend asked, "What type of jelly do you use?" I immediately thought about.. um.. Kentucky Jelly.) I think I picked this one just because "frankfurters" is fun to say. Say it. No.. out loud. Listen to the word come out of your mouth. The more you say it, the funnier it gets. Frankfurter... frankfurter.. Frank Furter.

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You all suck, see you next time. Or not. Go suck a rotten egg, all of you.

Guess What I Found.....

Yes, I found Hell: The Original.
Yes, I'm going to drag you all down with me.
And you'll like it.

What Fresh Hell Is This?

I opened my trusty red cookbook and found Hell.  The section we have reached is.. I can't bear it... gelatin salads. I know! Shh, it's going to be alright. We'll get through this together. Hold my hand.

Tighter. . .

Don't let go and don't look back. Eyes forward at all times. Stop crying, it makes you look like a sissy.

*Unless otherwise stated, all recipes are from Calling All Cooks Two*

Extra Special Salad

1 small box lemon jello
1/2 c. crushed pineapple, drained
2 small ctn. Cool Whip
1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 c. pineapple juice
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
3/4 c. sugar2 Tbsp. sifted flour
2 beaten eggs
1/2 c. chopped nuts

Prepare jello and let soft jell; add pineapple and chill until firm. Whip Cool Whip with cream cheese; spread over jello. Cook juices, sugar, flour, and eggs until at custard stage. Cool and spread over Cool Whip mixture. Sprinkle with nuts and refrigerate.
Brandon Kincaid, Birmingham Central Council, pg 554

See, that wasn't so bad, it was extra special! I just like to type "sprinkle with nuts" whenever I get the chance. It makes me feel like a dirty girl.

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Men Like It Salad
(Is it full of porn and beer?)

2 small pkg. cream cheese
1 (No. 2) can crushed pineapple
1 pkg. lemon jello
2/3 c. chopped nuts
1 small jar pimentos
1/2 pt. whipping cream
(no porn and beer.. Well, damn.)

Drain No. 2 can crushed pineapple; use juice and add enough water to make a cup. Bring juice to a boil and add lemon jello. Set aside to cool. To cream cheese (softened and mashed smooth with a fork), add pineapple, nuts, and pimentos (chopped and drained). Add cooled jello to mixture. Whip cream and fold into mixture. Serves 9 or more.

Nope. No porn and beer. Turns out that men don't like it. Nancy likes it...

Nancy Williams, Anniston Council, pg. 559

Let's keep going. Don't look it in the eyes.
Oh God, you looked it in the eyes! RUN!!

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Cherry Snowball Salad

1 c. boiling water
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cherry jello
1/2 c. sweet red wine or apple juice (unsweetened)
1/2 c. cold water
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cream cheese
1/3 c. pecans, finely chopped
1/3 c. chopped maraschino cherries

Pour boiling water on gelatin in bowl; stir quickly until gelatin is dissolved. Stir in cherries, wine (or apple juice), and cold water. Chill in refrigerator until thickened slightly (like unbeaten egg whites). Cut cream cheese into 18 squares; roll in pecans. (They will become round when rolled.) Pour 1/3 of thickened jello into mold. Place cheese balls evenly in gelatin and cover with remaining gelatin. Chill until completely firm. Serves about 6.

Ruth Apperson, Decatur Council, pg. 560

There is only one thing that comes to mind when I read the word "snowball" and it is the number 37. That is the only reason this is in here. I can see the dropped faces from here. It's pretty great, actually. Now I can slog through this with just a tiny bit of sadistic glee from breaking your brains.

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Cottage Cheese Congealed Salad
(only the worst name for a salad in the entire world... Second place goes to "Men Like It Salad".)

1 large box lime or lemon jello
1 large box cottage cheese (large curd)
1 c. mayonnaise
1/2 c. finely chopped celery
1/2 c. chopped bell pepper
3 Tbsp. minced onions

Mix jello with water according to direction on jello box; chill to soft chill. Mix all other ingredients together; chill for several hours.

Madeline Odom, Riverchase Council, pg. 561

Sorry I upchucked on your shoes. I know, I know they are Jimmy Choos. That'll teach you to stop spending so much money on stupid stuff. Let's go! It only gets worse from here, but the end is near. I know my breath smells like puke. Quit whining. We've made it this far... Move it!

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Crisco Salad
(I swear on Margaret's grave. ...she's my dead Gran, it's ok. She swore all the time. "Shit" was her favorite word.)

1 (3 oz.) box raspberry jello (make up and almost let jell)
1 c. sugar
1 c. Crisco
2 whole eggs
1 small can crushed pineapple, drained
1 c. pecans, chopped
1 box graham crackers, crushed

Cream Crisco and sugar; beat until fluffy. Add eggs; blend well. Add pineapple and nuts. Use oblong Pyrex dish. Put a layer of graham crackers and 1/2 of mixture, then another layer of graham crackers and other 1/2 of mixture. Place another layer of graham crackers on top of this, then cover with jello. Refrigerate.

Betty Tucker (unknown affiliation), pg. 553

See? That wasn't so bad. Sure, we slipped in the Crisco back there and it was a little hairy, but we made it. You can cry on my sleeve, but if you get snot on me, I'm dragging you back to Betty. She will force-feed you Crisco salad until you die of a heart attack. Wipe your mouth, dear, you drooled a bit. You go on home and fix something healthy for your family and I'll see you next time, okay?

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Bonus! I found this beauty this morning (6-29-10) while looking for more vomit-inducing slop to post.

Jello Vegetable Salad

1 pkg. lemon jello
1-1/2 c. boiling water
1 c. shredded cabbage
1 c. shredded carrots
1 c. mayonnaise
2 small green onions, finely chopped

Dissolve jello in boiling water. Set aside to congeal slightly. Add remaining ingredients. Pour into mold and congeal.

Jo Slappey, Phenix City Club, pg. 575
Jello should never, ever look like this. If you make Jello and it does look like the picture above, do the rest of the world a favor and stop breathing forever. I read a story yesterday about a minister who allowed members of the congregation to contribute to the weekly bulletin. One week, a jello recipe appeared. It involved olives and anchovies. It so disgusted the members of his church, that years later it still haunted him. To this day, when he falls ill, he receives this "thing" as a get-well-soon gesture. Just goes to show...