What Fresh Hell Is This?

I opened my trusty red cookbook and found Hell.  The section we have reached is.. I can't bear it... gelatin salads. I know! Shh, it's going to be alright. We'll get through this together. Hold my hand.

Tighter. . .

Don't let go and don't look back. Eyes forward at all times. Stop crying, it makes you look like a sissy.

*Unless otherwise stated, all recipes are from Calling All Cooks Two*

Extra Special Salad

1 small box lemon jello
1/2 c. crushed pineapple, drained
2 small ctn. Cool Whip
1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 c. pineapple juice
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
3/4 c. sugar2 Tbsp. sifted flour
2 beaten eggs
1/2 c. chopped nuts

Prepare jello and let soft jell; add pineapple and chill until firm. Whip Cool Whip with cream cheese; spread over jello. Cook juices, sugar, flour, and eggs until at custard stage. Cool and spread over Cool Whip mixture. Sprinkle with nuts and refrigerate.
Brandon Kincaid, Birmingham Central Council, pg 554

See, that wasn't so bad, it was extra special! I just like to type "sprinkle with nuts" whenever I get the chance. It makes me feel like a dirty girl.

--------------------------
Men Like It Salad
(Is it full of porn and beer?)

2 small pkg. cream cheese
1 (No. 2) can crushed pineapple
1 pkg. lemon jello
2/3 c. chopped nuts
1 small jar pimentos
1/2 pt. whipping cream
(no porn and beer.. Well, damn.)

Drain No. 2 can crushed pineapple; use juice and add enough water to make a cup. Bring juice to a boil and add lemon jello. Set aside to cool. To cream cheese (softened and mashed smooth with a fork), add pineapple, nuts, and pimentos (chopped and drained). Add cooled jello to mixture. Whip cream and fold into mixture. Serves 9 or more.

Nope. No porn and beer. Turns out that men don't like it. Nancy likes it...

Nancy Williams, Anniston Council, pg. 559

Let's keep going. Don't look it in the eyes.
Oh God, you looked it in the eyes! RUN!!

-------------------------

Cherry Snowball Salad

1 c. boiling water
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cherry jello
1/2 c. sweet red wine or apple juice (unsweetened)
1/2 c. cold water
1 (3 oz.) pkg. cream cheese
1/3 c. pecans, finely chopped
1/3 c. chopped maraschino cherries

Pour boiling water on gelatin in bowl; stir quickly until gelatin is dissolved. Stir in cherries, wine (or apple juice), and cold water. Chill in refrigerator until thickened slightly (like unbeaten egg whites). Cut cream cheese into 18 squares; roll in pecans. (They will become round when rolled.) Pour 1/3 of thickened jello into mold. Place cheese balls evenly in gelatin and cover with remaining gelatin. Chill until completely firm. Serves about 6.

Ruth Apperson, Decatur Council, pg. 560

There is only one thing that comes to mind when I read the word "snowball" and it is the number 37. That is the only reason this is in here. I can see the dropped faces from here. It's pretty great, actually. Now I can slog through this with just a tiny bit of sadistic glee from breaking your brains.

--------------------------

Cottage Cheese Congealed Salad
(only the worst name for a salad in the entire world... Second place goes to "Men Like It Salad".)

1 large box lime or lemon jello
1 large box cottage cheese (large curd)
1 c. mayonnaise
1/2 c. finely chopped celery
1/2 c. chopped bell pepper
3 Tbsp. minced onions

Mix jello with water according to direction on jello box; chill to soft chill. Mix all other ingredients together; chill for several hours.

Madeline Odom, Riverchase Council, pg. 561

Sorry I upchucked on your shoes. I know, I know they are Jimmy Choos. That'll teach you to stop spending so much money on stupid stuff. Let's go! It only gets worse from here, but the end is near. I know my breath smells like puke. Quit whining. We've made it this far... Move it!

---------------------------

Crisco Salad
(I swear on Margaret's grave. ...she's my dead Gran, it's ok. She swore all the time. "Shit" was her favorite word.)

1 (3 oz.) box raspberry jello (make up and almost let jell)
1 c. sugar
1 c. Crisco
2 whole eggs
1 small can crushed pineapple, drained
1 c. pecans, chopped
1 box graham crackers, crushed

Cream Crisco and sugar; beat until fluffy. Add eggs; blend well. Add pineapple and nuts. Use oblong Pyrex dish. Put a layer of graham crackers and 1/2 of mixture, then another layer of graham crackers and other 1/2 of mixture. Place another layer of graham crackers on top of this, then cover with jello. Refrigerate.

Betty Tucker (unknown affiliation), pg. 553

See? That wasn't so bad. Sure, we slipped in the Crisco back there and it was a little hairy, but we made it. You can cry on my sleeve, but if you get snot on me, I'm dragging you back to Betty. She will force-feed you Crisco salad until you die of a heart attack. Wipe your mouth, dear, you drooled a bit. You go on home and fix something healthy for your family and I'll see you next time, okay?

----------------

Bonus! I found this beauty this morning (6-29-10) while looking for more vomit-inducing slop to post.

Jello Vegetable Salad

1 pkg. lemon jello
1-1/2 c. boiling water
1 c. shredded cabbage
1 c. shredded carrots
1 c. mayonnaise
2 small green onions, finely chopped

Dissolve jello in boiling water. Set aside to congeal slightly. Add remaining ingredients. Pour into mold and congeal.

Jo Slappey, Phenix City Club, pg. 575
Jello should never, ever look like this. If you make Jello and it does look like the picture above, do the rest of the world a favor and stop breathing forever. I read a story yesterday about a minister who allowed members of the congregation to contribute to the weekly bulletin. One week, a jello recipe appeared. It involved olives and anchovies. It so disgusted the members of his church, that years later it still haunted him. To this day, when he falls ill, he receives this "thing" as a get-well-soon gesture. Just goes to show...

Stuffed Cabbage

1 large head cabbage
1 can corned beef hash

Hollow cabbage from stem end, leaving about 1 inch thickness. Stuff cabbage with the corned beef hash. Using boiler that fits the cabbage head as nearly as possible, put 2 cups salted water and stuff cabbage. Cook until tender, covered with lid. Season to taste. Extra cabbage may be chopped and cooked at the same time on top of the corned beef or it may be used for slaw.

Jamima Edney, Birmingham South Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 604

I love cabbage. I like it raw, I like it steamed, it is divine when stuffed with the proper fillings and slow-cooked in a light sauce. What I don't like is that this is an entire head stuffed with a can of... slop. Then again, when you don't know what food should taste like, you eat cabbage stuffed with canned corned beef. And you love it.

Poor Jamima never cooked in her life until she saw this on the back of the label. She fixed this every Thursday night for forty years. That is forty years too long, Jamima. Forty years too long.

Hostess Twinkie Surprise

1 pkg. (10) Hostess Twinkies
1 box vanilla instant pudding
1-1/2 cups milk
1 (8 oz.) pkg. Cool Whip
2 boxes frozen strawberries (in sugar), thawed

Slice Twinkies in halves lengthwise. Put in 13x9x1 inch pan. Pour thawed strawberries over Twinkies. In a large bowl, mix pudding, milk and Cool Whip. Pour over the strawberries. Cover with Saran Wrap and let stand in refrigerator overnight.

Debbie Owen, Birmingham South Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 332



We, as Americans, have lost all ability to cook. If you were to hand Debbie a bag of flour, a dozen eggs, some sugar, milk, and baking soda, she would look at you as if you were trying to kill her puppy. How dare you force the notion of actually cooking onto this workin' girl! It's just as good to open some Twinkies and throw some other pre-packaged crap on top of it and call it a day. I love how it suggests you wrap it in Saran Wrap, specifically, and let it hang out in the chiller for the night. What is it going to do? Get in good with the vodka you're hiding behind the Kool-Aid? Is it going to coax the Lunchables out of their boxes in a late-night striptease session? Why isn't there a can of Milwaukee's Beast tossed in for good measure? You know, it probably is, but Debbie was too tanked on the "hidden" vodka to add it to the Cool Whip top she wrote this recipe on.

This recipe really surprised me. In a cookbook full of terrible casseroles and horrible appetizers, this book shines when it comes to desserts. Southerners make amazing sweets. There are so many old fashioned, from scratch desserts I want to try. Then, there is this Twinkie... thing. Debbie, Debbie... What happened? Too many trips to Dallas?

Tuna on Pineapple Rings

2 c. cooked rice
1 can tuna
1/8 tsp. pepper
1 Tbsp. chopped parsley
1 Tbsp. onion juice
1 tsp. salt2/3 c. thick white sauce
3/4 c. grated cheese
10 slices pineapple
2 Tbsp. brown sugar
1/3 c. crushed cereal flakes

Combine rice, tuna, pepper, parsley, onion juice, salt, and white sauce with 1/2 cup grated cheese. Drain pineapple and use the juice to moisten the brown sugar. Spread slices of pineapple on a shallow baking dish and brush with brown sugar mixture. Spoon tuna mixture on pineapple slices, shaping into a mound. Sprinkle with cereal crumbs and top with remaining grated cheese. Bake at 350 F for 20 minutes. Serves 5.

Marguerite Hancock, Birmingham West Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg 290-291

Oh. Emm. Gee. Ok, first of all, I tried like Hell to find a picture that combined tuna and pineapple. Looks like I didn't find one. THERE IS A REASON! The reason is that when pineapple and tuna (both from a can) are combined, they taste like ass. Rancid ass. Full of tuna and pineapple. And cheese. We aren't sure what kind of cheese, but it's got pineapple, tuna, cereal, and white sauce in it. Why not throw in some mystery cheese? Second, "white sauce" doesn't have instructions. If I'm lazy enough to throw tuna, cereal, pineapple, and cheese together, I'm not going to go the kitchen and whip up a batch of fresh white sauce. That requires actual cooking, which this isn't. Third, oh God, forget it. Since I couldn't find the right picture, here is one that is totally unrelated, but is white trash food, nonetheless.

Spaghetti and Ketchup
Awww yeah...
No, not really.

Feed 'Um Crow

Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye;
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
They all began to sing.
Now, wasn't that a dainty dish
To set before the King?

The King was in his countinghouse,
Counting out his money;
The Queen was in the parlor
Eating bread and honey.
The maid was in the garden,
Hanging out the clothes.
Along there came a big black bird
And snipped off her nose!

This rhyme always scared the living shit out of me. As a child, it terrified me to poke a pie with a top crust for fear of crows flying out and pecking off my nose. I'm still afraid of some pies. Have you SEEN some of the stuff people cook? I know why you're here, how about we get on with it?

Crow Casserole

You may have some obnoxious friends. Feed 'um crow.

Remove crow breasts. Soak overnight in salt water. Parboil for 1/2 hour. Brown in butter. Place on a bed of 1.5 inches of sauerkraut in a casserole. Cover each breast with bacon strips. Cover with sliced onions and more sauerkraut. Pour sauerkraut juice over the whole thing. Bake for 2 hours at 350 F.

If it still tastes like crow, you did something wrong. Get outdoors.

Imogene Davis, Birmingham Life Member Club
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 287

I don't think I have ever typed the word sauerkraut until today. It's a pain in the ass to type. This is beautiful all on its own. See you next time.

Beef Casserole

I know it's a small picture. Do you really want it to be bigger? I didn't think so.

1 1/4 lb. ground beef
1 large onion
1 large bell pepper
1 small can tomato sauce
1 (6 oz.) can mushroom soup
1 c. elbow macaroni
1 1/2 c. grated American cheese

Brown meat, onion and pepper. Drain. Cook macaroni and drain. Mix first 6 ingredients and pour into deep greased casserole. Bake for about 30 minutes at 300 F. Put cheese over top and return to oven to melt cheese.

Frances Cooner, Tri-Cities Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 270

Cream of mushroom soup mixed with tomato sauce has a yuck factor of infinity. Mix that with cheese that is strip-mined in Michigan and we have a winner. This is not food, people. I would be afraid to feed this to a dog. Step well away from the cream of mushroom soup, now. It is NOT a sauce. I repeat, condensed cream of mushroom soup is NOT A SAUCE! Glad we're clear on that. I think the only thing about this recipe that makes me happy is that it doesn't contain sliced wieners. Although, if they were those Wild Wieners we talked about earlier, we might be in bid'ness. Love ya'll. Come back an' see me!

Bad Recipe Roundup

I admit that I am a sucker for cookbooks. I love to flip through them, page by page, carefully reading each recipe. I am in love with my current cookbook for a totally different reason. The recipes are miserable. If you didn't read the last two posts, this one should make up for the fact that you didn't care enough to read them. ...And here's a picture of some gross food to kick things off.
I don't know what I am looking at here. That's a lot of brown, whatever it is. Forward, march!

Earlean's Swedish Meatballs

1 (16 oz.) jar grape jelly
1 (16 oz.) bottle Kraft barbeque sauce
2 lb. ground chuck
2 pkg. hamburger seasoning
2 eggs
salt and pepper to taste

Mix jelly and barbeque sauce together in pan; place on low heat until jelly dissolves. Mix ground chuck, seasoning, eggs, salt, and pepper together. Make small balls and cook in 375 degree oven for approximately 1 hour. Drain; place meatballs in barbeque sauce-grape jelly mixture. Simmer for 45 minutes.

Willie Parker, Huntsville Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 20

This is beautiful. I see a single-wide decked out in old Christmas garland, with a plastic snowman and an inflatable Santa in the yard. I hear Sandy in the kitchen saying under her breath, "Dammit, I just dropped ashes in the meatballs." She quietly scoops them out and thinks to herself, They won't never know it.

The name of the recipe is Earlean's Swedish Meatballs. Let that simmer for a bit. Earlean is not Swedish. Neither are her meatballs. Add to it that she thinks Kraft "barbeque" sauce is fit to put onto anything edible and it's win-win for me. The first time I read this recipe, I saw the richness in it. ...and I have to guiltily admit that meatballs in barbecue sauce and grape jelly, while not Swedish, are pretty darn good. ....moving on. *cough*

Polecat Mash

1 can cheap sardines (packed in oil)
1 Tbsp. mustard
2 Tbsp. catsup
1/2 tsp. Tabasco
1/2 medium onion, finely chopped
2 Tbsp. sweet relish
Juice of 1/2 lemon

Mash sardines. Add all other ingredients. Mix well. Serve on crackers.

Don't knock it till you try it. It's good.

Teresa Elkouie, Birmingham East Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 24

I have no words. Next.

Oh, and for the record, these are all as written in the book. I never add anything to them or change the spelling. Yes, "Don't knock it till you try it. It's good." was really part of the recipe. Pardon me while I go vomit.

Wild Wieners
(Appetizer)

1 (14 oz.) bottle catsup
1 c. Wild Turkey liqueur
2 lb. miniature cocktail franks

Combine catsup and liqueur in a large skillet. Simmer, uncovered, for 15 minutes. Add cocktail franks. Continue simmering for 15 more minutes. Serve in chafing dish. Makes delicious easy appetizer!

Dean Gidley, Birmingham Central Council
Calling All Cooks Two, pg. 30

I'm done. See you guys later. I think I over-did it. Ugh... Ew, vurps are nasty, by the way.

Beulah's Mayonnaise Corn Bread

1/2 c. self-rising flour
2 c. self-rising meal
1/2 c. mayonnaise
1/2 c. buttermilk
1 1/2 c. water
1/4 c. Crisco, melted in bread pan

Mix first 5 ingredients; pour into preheated skillet, containing the Crisco. Bake for 20 minutes in 450 F degree oven.

Hilda Hamilton, Mobile Council
Calling All Cooks Two (1988), page 81

The title of this recipe speaks to me. It whispers of hot summers on Gran-Momma's front porch snappin' beans. It sings the sweet notes of iced tea with enough sugar in it to make your teeth hurt. It also screams that Beulah put mayonnaise in her cornbread. I hear the lament of Lenny, the broken-spirited husband sitting at the table with a greasy piece of cornbread next to his nearly-burnt beans. I see the tears running down his cheeks that he swears are from the quartered onion on his napkin. I see Beulah, in all her Southern glory, proud that she has whipped a man like Lenny. His tears are her triumphs.

Ezell's "Two Pound" Stew

I found this beauty while I was flipping through an older cookbook. Enjoy

2 lb. lean ground beef
2 lb. lean pork
2 lb. chicken (medium fryer)
2 lb. diced potatoes
2 lb. sliced carrots
2 (1 lb.) cans LeSueur English peas
2 (1 lb.) cans whole kernel corn
2 (1 lb.) cans cream style corn
2 (1 lb.) cans butter beans
2 (1 lb.) cans stewed tomatoes
2 (1 lb.) cans tomato sauce
2 (1 lb.) cans sliced okra
2 lb. diced onion
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbsp. black pepper
2 oz. salt
2 oz. Worcestershire sauce
2 oz. soy sauce
2 c. brown sugar

Brown ground beef and drain. Simmer pork and chicken in water until tender then debone and dice. Cook pork and chicken together; save broth for stew. In a large, "I mean large," canner or boiler, place all meats and broth. Add other ingredients and simmer until potatoes and carrots are tender. Add more salt to taste. "If you like it hot," add Tabasco sauce, ground red pepper and/or mustard. (Stir frequently.) Makes about 4 gallons.

If you want less, make it Ezell's "One Pound Stew."

Hint: More meat is better!

Marvin F. Ezell (Eufala), Phenix City Council

Calling All Cooks Two, page 430

I can't ever imagine a situation where I would need four gallons of soup where most of the ingredients are in cans. But, if you ever find yourself in this situation, here ya go. Personally, I never went to a family reunion that required more than finger sandwich trays, Chex mix, and a heaping plateful of homicidal thoughts.

I'll be posting more of these beauties. There are too many to count, really. There is something about a mayonnaise cornbread in here, too. I gotta find it. You guys are seriously going to puke. Good times, good times.

Never In It

Here's to being an outcast.